Friday, December 19, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like...

Tis the season to be jolly and happy and merry and gay. But I don't always feel that way when Christmas rolls around. This Christmas it will be 12 years since my father died. It seems like a lifetime as bits and pieces of memory leave me - sound of voice, feeling of touch, smell of his shirts, sight of him on the couch, taste of the coffee he would make.

But there is an expectation to be happy and bright and shiny this time of year and I'm trying. Only problem? I had no desire to put up the tree despite the fact that my fiance is finally home from Hawaii and this is the first Christmas where we'll really be together... and the beginning of a life intertwined in one small tiny apartment living together, sharing a car and a bed and a cramped bathroom and daily meals...

So I guess what I have to say is that despite all the hurt that I carry with me this holiday season which resonates in my every day, persists across the years, is that I'm blessed.

blessed to have my fiance.

blessed to have a strong beautiful mother that despite all we have gone through still finds joy in Christmas.

blessed to have friends that are going through their own struggles but still share in my happiness.

blessed to have a job, especially now, that i don't mind going to every day (even if I may whine when getting out of my nice warm bed these days).

blessed to have a place to live that I love going home to, no matter how hard it is for two people to cook in the kitchen at the same time.

blessed to have a voice, an opinion, a say... in all things around me, no matter what. i have my freedom and liberties and there are many people who will not be home for Christmas because they are working to ensure this.

So despite my neglect to this blog over the past few months, I will say publicly that I am thankful for my mom; for the love of my life; for my friends; for safety.

And while they may never see this, thank you to those men and women who are off in other countries, sleeping on the ground, in tents, in ditches, in hospital beds, because they are protecting our country and fighting to keep us safe, keep us free.




... merry christmas to all, and to all a good night.